The club's top bowler, a guy who had won every club championship numerous times, was known for carrying a little black book which regularly consulted during games.  Whenever he stood on the mat, with a particularly difficult situation, he would take out this little book and then make a brilliant shot.  Eventually he died and there was great interest in this book. Many of the club's members approached the man's widow asking what she was planning to do with this legendary book.  As a shrewd woman who was also in need of funds, she decided to auction the book off to the highest bidder.  The auction was held at the club and after some very spirited bidding a member, who had often finished second to the now deceased champion, took possession of the much sought after and now expensive book.  He could scarcely wait to take the book home and peruse its pages at leisure.  He sat himself down in his study and began to leaf through the pages - and he found that the pages were blank! He finally came to a single page that had one sentence on it.  It said;  "Small circle on the inside."

The following 3 entries are true stories, found via the internet:
Eddie and his wife June are shopping in their local supermarket.  The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it in their trolley 'What do you think you're doing?' asks June. 'They're on sale, only £15 for 24 cans Eddie replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along June picks up a £30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks Eddie. 'It's my face cream, It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Heineken and it's half the price. 'Eddie never knew what hit him. The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was: 'Clean up on aisle 19, we have a husband down.'

U.S. Aircraft Carrier Radar Officer: 'Please divert your course at least 7 degrees to the south to avoid a collision'. Back came the reply: 'You must be joking, I recommend you divert your course instead'. The U.S. Radar Officer referred the matter to his superior officer, and reported the incident as insubordination. As a result the Captain of the Air Craft Carrier sent a second message.  'I believe that I out rank you, and am giving you a direct order to divert your course now!!!'
Canadian Radio Operator:  'This is a lighthouse.  I suggest you take evasive action.

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told there was no one in the area to help. The policeman said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up. A minute later I rang again. 'Hello', I said, 'I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed.  You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them.' Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said: 'I thought you said you'd shot them.' To which I replied: 'I thought you said there was no one available.'

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

One night a man walks into a pub looking sad. The barman asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The barman asked the man “What’s wrong, why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So what’s wrong with that”? The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Irishman:  ''It's me wife! I've accidentally shot her, I tink Oi've killed her!'' Operator:  ''Please, calm down, Sir.  Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''      *click* ................. *BANG!*....................

Irishman:  ''Okay, Oi've done dat.  What next?''

An item from the pages of the London Evening Standard.
Last Wednesday a passenger in the back of a minicab going to Liverpool Street Station leaned forward to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.  The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said “are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.” The badly shaken passenger apologised to the driver and said, “I didn’t realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.” The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a minicab,    I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

A little old man boards a bus with a bowl in each of his front trouser pockets. A beautiful lady, sitting close by, stares
for so long that the man finally says, "Bowling balls". The lady seems shocked and continues to stare. Moments later, she says, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"    

Question: What do you do with someone who can't draw, can't roll the jack, can't set a mat, can't keep score and definitely won't listen?    Answer: Make them Skip!

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Really, ..."says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him about it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

The Bowlers' own language - how to translate The Sport of  Bowls has its very own language which can totally mystify anyone who hears it,  For the information of the uninitiated, here are a few terms translated into standard English.

"Good weight!" = Rubbish Line
"Good line" = Rubbish Weight
"Good back bowl" =  Lucky it didn't go in the ditch
"That's OK there" = That was lucky
"Might get in the way there" = That bowl is closer to you than it is to the jack
"Get it next time"  = You sure didn't get it this time
“You have another wood = You need it
"What a shot  = You surprised all of us
"I'd bowl with him any day" = he always buys the beers

Four bowlers were out on the Green practicing. As one of them was about to bowl, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of bowling, the bowler removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed. At this point, one of the others said, "You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen." And the bowler answers, "Well, I was married to her for 35 years. It was the least I could do!"

Pat requested his Church to check if they played bowls in Heaven.

After a week the Priest approached Pat with the answer.

He said, "I have good news and bad news".

Pat said, "Tell me the good news first".

The Priest said, "The good news is that they do play bowls in Heaven".

"What's the bad news ?", said Pat.

The Priest said, "Well Pat, the word is out that your name is down for the pairs next Saturday".